After Many Years

Lately, I've been very affected by things happening around me. But this time, it took me by surprise....

All this while, I've always thought I'd been loving that one person. But no, maybe not anymore. It all started with reading through my letters. ALL my letters, from friends back when I was 13? It's interesting to look back and laugh and cry at all those letters and what your friends once said about you.

I started to think about who I was and who I am now as a person. I've changed completely. And to my surprise, I've changed to become someone as I once termed, horrible. Maybe I think too much, but then again, I haven't sat down to think so deep for a long time. I was probably trying to escape reality. I mean, being with someone you don't love is evident that I am trying to escape from reality.

I've been looking at myself from a third party point of view and noticed that I've become another Derrick. Maybe not entirely, but certain traits are very strong. Probably coz I've learnt from my mistakes. And this entirely links back to why I said I thought I've always been loving that one person...

All this while, I thought that I was in love with Nicholas. I was cruel enough to put the blame on Derrick, that he caused Nic and I to break up in April. That's probably the reason why the relationship didn't work out. I resented Derrick, criticised everything he did. Never found anything enough. I said he didn't have friends, but then again, it never ocurred to me that maybe all he needed was me. Me being stupid obviously didn't see things that way. Lots of thoughts are rushing through my head as I'm typing this so I might digress at times.. Typing this out here seriously requires alot of courage. Anyways, back to things..

Nicholas, was definitely my first love, I'd definitely have a soft spot for him, but overtime, I've learnt not only to let go, but also to reject. Derrick's different. He, is the only man so far, whom I treat with respect, loved and is willing to put my pride down for. He was all that mattered. I guess the turning point was when the resentment began eating me up and I felt that Derrick wasn't giving me enough in return for what I did for him.

I thought back on the days when I was with Nicholas, and as much as I loved him then, I didn't feel completely comfortable. Nicholas never knew the entire me. With Derrick, things were different. He saw me, for me. We lived together, partied together, travelled together. I was completely comfortable being around him. He was comfortable around me. Now, when the song Where is the Love is being played, I laugh. I think of him trying to rap. And the mosquito dance that he created while trying to chase those annoying things away.

Things should have been rosy, but me being me. Together with the resentment, I compared. I constantly compared Derrick to Nicholas. I constantly felt that both of them were extremes and it would have been perfect I added them up and divided by 2. Hah. I guess that was when I was completely bimbotic.

And all these added up isn't as dumb ass as the final move I made, that completely killed whatever that could have been salvaged. I decided that being with someone who loves me is better than being with someone I love. I broke Derrick's heart completely, killed his trust in me.

I knew there and then, there was no turning back. I left. With regrets. I began shutting myself in. I evolved into a different person unknowingly. Faith's death didn't help. I began talking to myself, not out loud. In my head. I would have conversations with myself in my head. I didn't become suicidal, but I don't believe in living for long. I didn't have much emotions coz I generally didn't care much about everything. I couldn't cry, no matter how upset I might be. I was tempermental. Nothing seemed right.

These 2 years, I've never dreamt much of Nicholas. On contrary, I often dreamt of Derrick. He'd appear in my dreams, though I dun remember all the incidents. Maybe I miss him. I don't know coz I've been kinda emotionless for the past 2 years. Everytime I go to my nephew's place, I'd wonder what he's doing. Most of the time, he's watching TV at home. I guess some things never change ;)

Sebastian's re-appearance in my life reminded me of alot of things which I blocked off. He's re-appearance caused much drama. We tried being together, irregardless of how reluctant I was. And as usual, it kinda failed. I realised, from that moment. I can no longer love another person like I did before.

Some people might ask, what if there's another chance with Derrick or Nicholas? I know one thing's for sure. There wouldn't be. Nicholas was my first love, will always be my first love and just my first love. Derrick being Derrick, wouldn't allow someone who killed his trust back into his life again.

Last friday, this question was posed to me, what values and qualities are important. My answer to that, honesty and integrity. They work hand in hand. These two qualities might never be so important to me if it weren't for Derrick. He taught me quite abit of things. He made me change for the better. Which I appreciate..

If I ever have the chance, I will want to tell him.

I'm Sorry.

Sincerely,
Fei Mao.