Thoughts..

hmmm... dunno why.... time suddenly passes so slowly.... like as though its crawling.... I'm just thinking so much all of a sudden that I know if I don't write them down, I would forget... but after writing it all down... I'm just waiting for that reason.... the bottom line is the reason... not the song... but the reason for me to give it all another try would be that kind of love I'm looking for... its not easy, its to love unconditionally, to accept, forgive and love even more... I'm trying to achieve that myself... I'm so busy with thoughts, weird thoughts.... this year's birthday, I'm gonna pamper myself.... I used to buy handphone as a gift to myself... this year I want it to be a Tiffany's ring... the mesh ring.... maybe i would buy it in advance... and guess what, my ring size is my fav number! could it really be such a coincidence.... then I thought abt my future wedding (if I do get married) my engagement ring is the love diamond from the carat club.... its drop dead gorgeous.... then bells ringing in church, walking down the aisle with pews decorated with lovely flowers and fabrics, with little girls as my flower girls throwing petals on the floor and my Mr Right sitting right in front of the altar, the altar boys and the priest right in front and the choir just upstairs... I guess those who know me already know which church I'm refering to.... Back to reality.... can I even find my Mr Right??? Is there a Mr Right??? I dunno.... I really dunno.... its time to knock off now...

Working....

yap... still working at this hour.... thoughts ran through my head again... I still cannot believe what Denise told me.... I thought back on the times we were together and I thought back on the times when I hugged him and wouldn't let go.... I really wanted to make things work.... I was willing to give up almost everything.... but know what did I get in return, it wasn't enough, you didn't try hard enough, no point just trying, you must try hard enough... same thing that I would want to say... you tried... you tried to make me feel loved, to shower affection, but you didn't try hard enough.... initially I really did appreciate everything he did, until he started the 'you didn't try hard enough' thing... Life's not a box of chocolate, not a bed of roses, but its definately a paradox... its like the chicken and egg analogy, which came first? Chicken or egg, without chicken, no egg, no egg, no chicken.... I think its wasn't either, I think God created a chick and let it grew.... another 30 mins to go before I knock off... but no one to accompany me down for illegal break... haven't been concentrating on my job... but lucky for me, my customers were nice, they didn't screw me up... my thoughts are so inconsistent now.... I guess I'm confused... Denise thinks I'm depressed and should see a doctor... I don't think I'm sick... I'm fine... really... I don't need a doctor.... I just need the reason.... my teammates are going home, but I"m still stuck for 30 mins... sux... Friday doing OT and Sun also doing OT.... this job kinda take my attention off things... but he takes my attention off my job too.... see... another paradox... back to my work.....

05/01/2005....

Its been a long time since i wrote in here... Xmas came and left, the new year is here... hmmm, I don't know whether I should say its a good start or a bad start. Good start in the sense that I've gotten rid of an exhausting relationship, bad start in the sense that I've given up on the relationship... Grace called me last night, while I was at East Coast with Denise and Geri, trying to run away from a bloody old stalker who tried to 'jerk off' while looking at us, then tried to follow wherever we went.... Sux, can't even sit in peace at the beach.... oh yah, back to Grace... she's very realistic now when it comes to relationships, I wouldn't blame her for thinking that way, after all she has been through... as much as I always respect her, I still always give my all in the relationship, without holding back. She told me, every relationship is like going to a casino, you only have $100 with you, you wouldn't continue gambling after you've lost $50 have you? unless you want to end up in debts! But I think I did... I went too far, I've lost.... The winner takes it all, the loser standing small just totally describes my feelings now.... then I told Denise, I need to keep hearing the song, Let The Music Heal Your Soul... haha, ironically, that song was my pride and joy, after our class won the competition with that song, but now, it has become my theme song after this break-up.... and when you thought this was the worst thing, I'm working shift hours.... I'm typing this as I work... Took too long an illegal break just now, spoke to Denise.... now that I'm sitting at my desk and thinking, I'm like taking an emotional roller coaster, ups and down.... angry, sad etc etc... sux... sux big time... but it will go into the big cupboard, to be left neglected, untreated, locked up and then forgotten... I can only pray that all these locked up cupboards will never be opened again.... it would only mean my downfall....