Stay

You say I only hear what I want to
You say I talk so all the time so

And I thought what I felt was simple
And I thought that I don't belong
And now that I am leaving
Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you
Yeah yeah, I missed you

You say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
To anyone, anywhere
I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up
And this woman was singing my song:
Lover's in love and the other's run away
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
Dying since the day they were born

Well, well, this is not that
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever

But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you
You said that I was naive and I thought that I was strong
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave.
"Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you
Yeah, I miss you

You said, "you caught me 'cause you want me and one day you let me go"
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me
'Cause you know you're just scared to lose
And you say, "Stay."

You say I only hear what I want to

....

Don't know why, maybe coz its already November, but I dreamt of him 3 nights in a row.... Think he has already moved on, so I'll choose not to disturb, there are things that are holding me back, and there are things that are pushing me forward... We'll see how things go then...

??

Hmmm, its been awhile since I last blogged, and even visited my own blog. Well, alot of things has happened lately.

Firstly, I've come to realise that some friends, are better off without. For example, those who have obviously stopped contacting me since the day I found out that Angel and Joel are motherfuckers. In case anyone doesn't know WHY I call them mother fuckers (coz they conveniently hide the story in their creepy dark n dirty closet) here's it.

I called Angel to ask her exactly wat did Joel's then gf, Zoe say abt Siew Pen. She said hold on and left me hanging on second line for like forever, so I hung up and called Joel. Was talking to that spineless, useless bastard halfway when I thought someone outside the office called me, so I left the phone (didn't hang up) to check, only to realise that nobody called me from outside. When I got back to the phone (which took less than 5 seconds), I heard Angel and Joel (apparently they were trying the cheesy trick of conference call w/o my knowledge). They started bitching about me, said I depended on Joel to get my job, Angel said I told lies to Athena ( look who's talking). Anyway, I heard the whole conversation(which lasted for abt 30 mins), nice and clear, 30mins of pure bitching. It tore my heart into 2 coz they WERE my friends, and I knew from a long time ago that Angel was a slut and a whore deep inside, but I chose to overlook it and be nice and continued accepting her as a friend, only to be backstabbed by her again.

The conversation that I overheard wasn't the worst thing that happened. Recently, Joel and Zoe broke up. So, Zoe started smsing me and that was when I realised that wasn't the end of all that had happened. According to Zoe, Siew Pen never EVER in his life stole any jewellery, not to mention work for some jewellery store. And Zoe admitted that Angel smsed Zoe not to tell me abt the conversation Zoe and Angel had. So, obviously Angel knew that she was bullshitting and telling lies abt somebody's past, but she wanted everybody to think she was telling the truth. Next lie, Joel told Zoe that he quarrelled with me coz I talked bad abt Zoe in revenge for her talking bad abt Siew Pen, which of course never happened. Joel also told Zoe that Angel also decided not to talk to me coz of old quarrels that couldn't be resolved, which was also bullshit.

By now, to be honest, I don't care. I didn't bother to call everybody to say how bad they were since they would probably already told everybody that I was gonna bitch abt them. Time will reveal the wrong do-ers, the real liars.

I'm happy now, without all of them, my lifestyle is healthier, my reputation is safer and I've got a business to run with Lifan. I'm no longer a drop out, definitely not a UNI drop-out, nor bummer. At least I've got something to do with my life....

hmmm.... bad day? realization day? fucked up day?

Friends? to trust or to judge? Am I supposed to believe a one sided story from a girl that I'm not very close to? And when her boyfriend is a cock and bull story teller? I'm not taking sides, I'm juz offended, severely offended....

Yes my current boyfriend is not some rich tycoon living in sixth ave, he's a normal guy that speaks typical traditional mandarin and singlish. Do we judge him by that? He may have done bad deeds before, but haven't we all done our personal share of bad deeds? Do you have to boycott him like plague? Is it that necessary? It hurts, no one is perfect, not Gerald, not Nicholas, not Derrick and definitely not Siew Pen. We all have our own flaws and so does our partners, neither can I stand your partners. I dun wanna low blow, but I have to state my fair share of unhappiness in my own blog, first, I dun fuck around, second I dun get slapped by my boyfriend and then get spit on and further humiliated by it being rubbed into and already slapped cheek, I dun get severely abused to the extent of marks or bloodshed and so on and so forth, I never did drugs (except for ciggies) and I dun live on alcohol....

No names have been mentioned, but I believe they are all pretty much obvious who and wat I am referring to. Today's my own nephew's birthday, honestly, I would liked to have forgotten it rather than feel like this now at work. Its ok, I can only say wat goes round, comes around, I guess they can have better and dirter fun without the presence of an aunt. I always thought we have come to the agreement of 'so long as they're happy' already, apparently, my friends have never been fair to me and I've come to accept it. They were the ones who convinced me that karma exists. I hope u all can sleep in peace for the rest of the 7th lunar month after being so disrespectful and unfair.....

I guess its enough of rants... there's alot more thoughts running through my mind right now but I can't type fast enough to keep up with my brain.... So its period for now.... .... .... ....

honeymoon's over.... time to say goodbye?

Its been more than a month, a month of sweet smses and all.... 
Its beginning to dwindle and I'm beginning to want out.... maybe I juz wanna be pampered and loved and be showered with attention all my life.... yes.... I do think that I am queen of the world... He said before, he will probably need only 3 days to get over me, fine.... I'll grant u that, in a few days time, I'll be out of here anyway.... no one to care if u've done ur assessments or if there's tissue on ur face and neck.... no one to nag at u for slouching.... none... back to work, guess there's no one to wait for now, can leave at 9pm... ciaoz....

very very very old song.....

Cute and nice, by Aqua.... hmmm, dunno, juz listening to it for fun....

"Be A Man"

The world is quiet,
like there is no one around,
but I feel you beside me
I know the secrets,
you keep locked away inside
Don't understand why you're fighting

I know she must be special,
this new girl by your side
I seek for answers when I look into your eyes,
And it hurts like hell but, I will be strong

For once in your life, be a man
Just tell me the words, 'cause I know that you can
Don't leave me with scars that no one can heal
For once in your life - be a man

You made me love you,
love you, right from the start
You're controlling my heart, babe
Don't pack your bags yet
Give me time to say goodbye
Just don't leave me wounded

No, I just hope you will regret the things you do
Come back to me,'cause our love is the real thing
And it hurts like hell, but I will be strong..

For once in your life, be a man
Just tell me the words, 'cause I know that you can
Don't leave me with scars that no one can heal
For once in your life - be a man

I knew that I,
I fought to keep our love strong
If you leave me now,
you come running back for more, babe
And I hope for, and I wish for,
and I pray, that the words from your mouth can,
eventually make you a man...

For once in your life,
be a man...
When everything stops -

for a minute in your life,
I'll hope that,
for once in your life, be a man
Just tell me the words, 'cause I know that you can,
Don't leave me with scars,
that no one can heal

For once in your life - be a man
Be a man...
Tell me the words...

Once in your life...
Be a man...
Tell me the words...

.... Memoriees???

Went back to school today, to get some stuffs for Grace, well, nothing much interesting.... I guess the only interesting thing to some was I saw Campus Superstar Teresa in person today. Haha. I started to think of my secondary school days again....

Actually, I thought of a particular day only.... I guess it was coz of the journey I took to go back....

That day, was after my biology prelims paper, I took a bus to an MRT stn, where he was waiting for me, he carried my bio text for me, worrying that it would be too heavy for me, well it was sweet, but it was amusing too coz that was the only thing I was holding that day! I didn't even have my bag with me! yup and so we travelled to my place where he waited under my block for me to shower and change out of my uniform and then we headed back to the MRT stn to meet the rest! I remember how awkward I felt, coz everybody was waiting for us and he was actually already at the MRT stn much earlier and he wouldn't have been late if he hadn't accompanied me home.... hmmm.... one of my fond memories I would say.... maybe I was reminded becoz recently I bumped into the woman who 'psychoed' us into buying this bridal package, which we in turn exchanged it for a couple portfolio, and the woman was saying to us that its hard for anything to come between us....

Hmmm.... anyway, things are kinda not exactly as the woman has said, but things are fine now.... Fine would be the best way of saying it I guess, hmmm.... anyway, I've got the best deal in town today! I got a wash and blow for only $4!! and the lady was so sweet, she decided to give me curls, well, I looked older, but all the more it reminded me of my photoshoot, haha, I miss taking photoshoots.... Mrs Sng had to ask me again today when she saw me.... 'Married Yet??' knock knock, hello.... I'm not that old to be desperate to get married.... at least I've already got a bf, and he's smart, tall, er.... smart, tall... er... yah... smart & tall.... haha... so no rush, anyways he's still studying too.... can't be getting married in the middle of studying rite? and worse part, he's hinting that he wants to further to masters.... oh... wait longer.... haha, nvm lahz.... oh no, my brain is flashing, system is now shutting down due to weariness and tiredness... in 5, 4, gtg....

childish bitch

a fren whom I knew since primary school, may have grown up physically, but definitely not mentally.... need I mention who it is??

I din actually want to blog abt this, but I can't take it anymore, she thinks she's queen bee, when she hangs up the phone on others, she says that she's not at fault and won't apologise, so fine, don't. I don't need to survive on ur apology, and not that I think highly of ur apology either. Everybody around is problematic, we've tried to tell u tactfully, but since u like to live under ur mum's armpit, fine, let's go blunt.

Attitude-wise, u suck, study grades wise, u also suck, human relationship wise (u have many acquaintances, but how many real frens do u have?), obviously u suck too.... ok, period.

Wat pissed me off? We had an arguement because of a bird called Raven, (hello, which respectable human being would want to be named after a breed of a bird?? "yah and my name is flamingo".... duh.....) u can bitch about me for all I care to all ur acquaintances, and try to ruin my reputation, but dun go to my own poly frens and try bitching abt me, they know me better than that.. we're no longer children, I dun play the ' if the whole world is on my side then I win!!' eh.... grow up.... how old are u already?

So much for the 'I am a woman too, I want to have a REAL husband (of male gender, not named after a breed of bird) and have kids and cook and clean' .... rite.... I'm fine with lesbians, my best fren is a lesbian and my good fren is also a lesbian, nothing is wrong, just that something is wrong when u're lesbian only coz u're fat and u're too lazy to loose weight and u think u can't find a bf! That's wat is wrong.... stupid.... bimbo.... no not bimbo, u're not slim enuff yet.

So, u think its my fault now?? since when have I taken a defensive attitude towards u when u talk bad abt Derrick or Nicholas or Gerald?? since when have I hung up on u because u were talking bad abt them, since when have u considered all their positive attributes? since when has anyone been good enuff for u?? since when was the last time u looked into the mirror and really reflect?? and U HAVE THE FUCKING GUTS TO SAY TO ME, SO MUCH FOR 10 YEARS OF FRENSHIP???? FUCK YOU!!

U think u can blackmail me emotionally again??? Like how u did on my 21st birthday?? u din even want to come for my birthday coz fucking Yen was having a cold?? and u had the audacity to ask me to pay for ur cab or entrance fee into dbl O??? hey!! U messed up my 21st birthday, and when I told Grace all that, u called me and asked if I COMPLAINED to Grace?? If u haven't done anything wrong, would u be afraid?? Ur tricks dun work anymore, Athena, Grace and me haven seen thru ur colours.. and wat u really are, u're nothing more than a curtain. A curtain has no mind of its own, it just goes with the wind direction.. Now, I think u were prob making up some of the stuff Kenney did, or he did those to u, coz God knows wat u have done to him.... Evil child....

Wateva.... if a fren who doesn't know me well enuff by now, to know and trust that I would want her to be happy, then fine.... dun call me ur fren, dun call me ur acquaintance, I dun wanna be insulted.

Grace was rite, she warned me that I would be too tired if I tried to help u too much, would be able to achieve better things if I shifted my energy instead of wasting my time. Now, I too am gonna shift my attention and energy to pple who are more worth it and achieve something for myself.

My all-time favorite song....

Love, Me
(Skip Ewing/Max T. Barnes)

I read a note my grandma wrote
back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat,
and he showed it once to me.
He said,"Boy, you might not understand,
but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none,
but I loved your Grandma so."

We had this crazy plan to meet
and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said:

If you get there before I do,
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.

I read those words just hours before
my Grandma passed away,
In the doorway of a church
where me and Grandpa stopped to pray.
I know I'd never seen him cry
in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her,
his eyes filled up with tears.

If you get there before I do,
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.
Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.

sick again

yes... sick again.... been blowing out yucky green stuffs from my nose...... eeeeeewwwww!!!! yah..... sinus.... anyway.... Derrick just started school again.... damn..... ok..... that also means CNY is coming!!! hehe.... ang pow time!!! haha, okok..... back to blogging..... too much has happened recently and seriously, lack of sleep definitely doesn't help..... suddenly, I don't know my days and nites!!! And I have an upcoming serious problem..... Grace's birthday is coming!!! Oh my God.... no amount of prayer can help me, coz Angel and I have no idea of wat to get her.... hmmmm.... it really gets harder as the years go by.....

Hmmm.... wah.... coming to think abt it, eversince I last blogged, alot has really happened, Nic called to say sorry, Athena and I getting pissed of with Angel, worrying over Raynard.... hehe more petty quarrels with Derrick..... and OH!!! Lifan is now Derrick's neighbour!!!!! yah!!!! nah, not going into details.... too tired, just wanna type a quick one now, before more things happen and I forget about them.... And a solemn event happened too....

Ms Devi, previously my secondary school discipline mistress, passed away and yah, all of us went for her wake at St Joseph's Church at Victoria street.... And wah.... that day, after the wake and all, Me, Angel, Athena, Derrick, Sarah and Cindy and Andrea went out with an ugly SLUT/WHORE.... pissed me off.... I will buy 5 litres of Carlsberg and pour it over her head and makes sure she drowns in it!!! ....... ARGH!!!!

hai..... ok, enough for now lahz..... be back another day....

Derrick Low is an asshole

Well done, piss me off.... u do nothing better, but piss me off.... I was eating halfway when that idiot threw his used ball of tissue paper in my dish of soy sauce, then I screamed at him, he brilliantly lifted the tissue up and threw it onto my plate of uneaten chicken..... so much for an A student huh.... so it really pays to be a nerd, but then idiots have more common sense than him.

I thought never mind, he wasn't even one bit sorry, not remorseful, when I scolded him, he had the fucking balls to say me. That I had to scold him just over a few pieces of chicken.... Fuck you bastard.... Go think and be remorseful and make sure u know y u should be sorry and u better be humble and hang ur head down the next time u say sorry and it better be soon..... screw u damn it.

headache, headache, panadol also no use.....

haiz..... such a headache.... CitiBank and school.....CitiBank or school, I've been going down to Millenia Tower like as though its my second home..... Interviews have been going on.... so many positions available, but I dunno which to take up, and I'm so tired about talking about my resume.... my strengths and weaknesses.... my comfort zone, why I left my last job and where do I see myself in the next few years.... school.... oh.... studying is so not my cup of tea, but I know that I have to go back to study.... to constantly upgrade myself..... but I'll be broke lorz.... no more shopping, no more manicures and pedicures and argh..... darn this whole shit of a situation I'm in....