I was off yesterday.... Helped my mum polish some wood.... Met Sebastian at 6pm to go shop for hampers... In the end.... I ended up buying the Troy DVD..... "Goodnight Helen of Singapore".... I miss him..... While I was at home... I listened to a very old CD that I bought back in 1996.... Its Falling Into You by Celine Dion... The first song in the album totally describes my feelings, entitled: It's All Coming Back to Me Now....
"It's All Coming Back To Me Now"
There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window
There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever
I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made
But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)
There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby
If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back
There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper
There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever
But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then
But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)
There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
here were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby
When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
It's all coming back to me now)
And if we. . . .
Beautiful song.... its more than 7 mins long.... If only Derrick would come back to me...
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Work....
I'm kinda sick of working.... But no choice... got contract.... if I don't work, then what can I do? sit around at home and go crazy??? my fever is on and off, temperature fluctuates like the stock market.... can't take that many MC... Now I bring my Billabong pullover to work.... kinda miss wearing it.... used to wear it in poly yr 1... haha, its so huge now, too oversized, but i like it, i feel warm and comforted under it.... I just took my pill just now, I tried to not take it, but I will start to think of alot of stuffs and I get really upset.... well.... I'm trying to concentrate on my work... my work has been adversely affected by this entire incident.... hmmm.... better get back to work now... 1 hr to knock off time.... yay..... probably going to shop with Grace and then dinner at Hyatt with her.... ;)
20/1/2005
Its Thurs today.... tomorrow is my off day.... its a public holiday.... I'm still sick.... I can totally see my sick pattern forming.... My chest is in pain, its very painful when I breathe, I'm getting breathless.... my asthma is coming back.... I'm not taking my inhalers coz they make my nerves shaky... my nerves are already shaky enough, I don't need to worsen the situation.... Then again, I'm already in the worst kind of situation, wat can be worse than now??? Sebastian just went for lunch, Aldrich and Kathy are going out for lunch too.... Sitting along the aisle sux.... I can see the door and yet I'm stuck here.... maybe for the better or for the worst.... I'm trying to sort out what's going through my head, but its total blank.... like brain dead.... I'm reading working email.... I read the stuff that I sent to Denise, the short conversation I had with Derrick, the last conversation that I had with him calling me dear.... I saved it in my mailbox.... dun wanna delete it... can't bear to delete it.... I was at Wheelock Place last nite, at Border's with Sebastian, I kept looking in the direction of EDC... I thought of the times when we would meet early and go to Far East for dinner.... Still remember the other time, Nic got jealous when I told Derrick that his shirt came out.... I miss him... I miss him terribly, but does anyone understand that kind of pain I'm in? no..... no one understands.... everyone just says you'll feel better after you cry it out and walk away..... problem now is... I can't walk away.... I can't just walk away from someone I care so much about... The pain is equivilant or more than the pain of losing a child.... ok... Lunch break....
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Scorpios....
The Scorpion : October 24 to November 22
Traditional Scorpio Traits
Determined and forceful,Emotional and intuitive, Powerful and passionate, Exciting and magnetic
On the dark side....
Jealous and resentful, Compulsive and obsessive, Secretive and obstinate
Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.
In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil. Their tenacity and will power are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.
They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. Infact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.
They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign. But charismatic "twice-born"characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal. Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.
Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy.
Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an "outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.".Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh. They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, "star-crossed lovers".
DISLIKES: Being Given Only Surface data, Taken Advantage of, Demeaning Jobs, Shallow Relationships, Flattery and Flattering
Traditional Scorpio Traits
Determined and forceful,Emotional and intuitive, Powerful and passionate, Exciting and magnetic
On the dark side....
Jealous and resentful, Compulsive and obsessive, Secretive and obstinate
Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.
In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil. Their tenacity and will power are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.
They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. Infact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.
They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign. But charismatic "twice-born"characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal. Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.
Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy.
Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an "outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.".Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh. They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, "star-crossed lovers".
Possible Health Concerns...
Scorpio governs the pelvis and reproductive and urinary systems and its subjects are said to be prone to ailments of the liver and kidneys, stones and gravel in the bladder or genitals, and other genital ills such as priapism. Abscesses, boils, carbuncles, fistulas, piles, ruptures and ulcers may also affect the Scorpions.
LIKES: Truth, Hidden Causes, Being involved, Work That is Meaningful, Being PersuasiveDISLIKES: Being Given Only Surface data, Taken Advantage of, Demeaning Jobs, Shallow Relationships, Flattery and Flattering
19/1/2005
Hmmmm.... fever was bad yesterday, at least its slightly better today... I slept on the pillow I brought home from Derrick's place... I fell into deep slumber.... thoughts of him in my sub-conscious mind.... I used to cry for my mum when I'm sick... I'd cry and say I want mummy... even when I was at Derrick's place the other time.... but last night, I jolted out of my sleep calling for Derrick.... My fever went down slightly, I didn't take any medication.... refused to see a doctor.... The last time I fell so sick was in August 2004, I still remember I was at EDC with Derrick and the rest of them... I had a fever and Derrick insisted on me seeing this doctor at Tampines that cost me $80. Even after seeing the doctor, I was still sick for the entire month... My voice is giving way, I don't feel like eating, but my mum keep giving me food to bring to work.... My cheeks are painful, my head groggy.... Denise is worried, my mum is worried, Kathy is worried, even Sebastian is worried, but my question is, is Derrick worried?? Is he even thinking of me? Does he know that I may collapse anytime? Does he care? Does he know why I'm not letting go?
Anyway, I just found the Prom VCD the other night, gave the VCD to Denise to copy.... brought back lots of memories.... Germain was in the VCD.... in his blue suit... I still remember he was the 1st one to arrive at Ritz then followed by me.... I was very active and all smiles.... I haven't smiled like that for a long time.... Great, now I'm beginning to cough... My heart is beating like its taking part in some race, very fast and very hard, Denise says its alright, she has it too.... she says its stress.... well... I dunno, I don't care.... I stare into space alot now, and I have to breathe very hard, if not I'll get breathless, but when I breathe hard, my chest hurts.... so sickening.... so very sickening...
I had a weird dream last night... I dreamt I was back in sec 4 again and it was chinese class, I was sitting next to Sylvia Lee... weird isn't it? I wasn't even in the same class as Sylvia in Sec 4... My God.... What's wrong with me, why do I keep having weird dreams? I can't sleep at night, I keep waking up, wasn't a restful sleep, not proper sleep.... its 12.30pm now, I wonder wat is he doing? just woke up? did he go for class? Has he eaten his lunch? ..... Lost for words..... too much thoughts running through my mind.... lost in my own thoughts.... now stuck in a world of my own.... Wish I will see his outstretched arms, beckoning me, a lost child, unsure of where to go and what to do.... My fever is coming back.... I'm so screwed.... I think very soon, I'll need to be sedated.... Got to get back to work... enough blogging for the time being....
Anyway, I just found the Prom VCD the other night, gave the VCD to Denise to copy.... brought back lots of memories.... Germain was in the VCD.... in his blue suit... I still remember he was the 1st one to arrive at Ritz then followed by me.... I was very active and all smiles.... I haven't smiled like that for a long time.... Great, now I'm beginning to cough... My heart is beating like its taking part in some race, very fast and very hard, Denise says its alright, she has it too.... she says its stress.... well... I dunno, I don't care.... I stare into space alot now, and I have to breathe very hard, if not I'll get breathless, but when I breathe hard, my chest hurts.... so sickening.... so very sickening...
I had a weird dream last night... I dreamt I was back in sec 4 again and it was chinese class, I was sitting next to Sylvia Lee... weird isn't it? I wasn't even in the same class as Sylvia in Sec 4... My God.... What's wrong with me, why do I keep having weird dreams? I can't sleep at night, I keep waking up, wasn't a restful sleep, not proper sleep.... its 12.30pm now, I wonder wat is he doing? just woke up? did he go for class? Has he eaten his lunch? ..... Lost for words..... too much thoughts running through my mind.... lost in my own thoughts.... now stuck in a world of my own.... Wish I will see his outstretched arms, beckoning me, a lost child, unsure of where to go and what to do.... My fever is coming back.... I'm so screwed.... I think very soon, I'll need to be sedated.... Got to get back to work... enough blogging for the time being....
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
18/1/2005 Part II
Well.... back from lunch... great... I took a very long break coz I as talking to Aldrich after lunch.... oops... then my flu got from bad to worse... now, I'm having a fever and yes, I refuse to see anymore doctors.... no more doctors for me.... physically, mentally and emotionally, I'm drained and sick.... the urge of crying is coming and I can feel it, Aldrich advises me to not rely on my pills too much.... I think I'll soon need sleeping pills as well.... What's wrong with me?? I can't eat nor sleep nor work nor think nor control my emotions anymore.... Aldrich told me that he was shocked when he saw me run that night, that I was running faster than Kathy.... scared him quite a bit.... I didn't know, at least not til today.... anyway, back to Sunday.... after church, we went to the pet shop at Jurong Point Shopping Ctr, somehow, my heart was crushed, I felt the pain and adrenaline rush right through my entire bloodstream... I thought by taking my second doze of pill during fellowship after service would beable to calm my nerves, but somehow, it didn't work at its optimum.... After getting the flea and Tick spray, we headed back by train.... I didn't feel hungry still, probably the ice milo was sufficient, but Derrick insisted that I had something, so he bought me a small packet of milk.... It was an excellent day, even though he didn't send me home, at least he called me when I was on the way home to ask me where I was.... I was happy, or should I say over the moon or estatic or glad.... I smiled... its been a long time since I remember smiling genuinely.... That day.... was supposed to have been our 7th month together, but we are no longer together.... Everyday I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker, dizzy spells are on the rise and coming back to work isn't helping.... My colleague Lisette just messaged to say that her hospitalisation leave has been extended! but its for a good reason! She's pregnant!! with twins!!! so envious.... so envious.... well.... that's life.... now my picture of life is bleak... its dark and I'm just walking and taking each step at a time, most of the time hesitant steps.... Life and death is just another one of the cycle that God created.... I just took my pill.... shouldn't be depressed soon.... its now 5.35pm.... and I'm abt to knock off at 8pm... but I dunno wat to do... I've nothing to do, no where to go.... I don't want to go home.... I dunno.... I feel like a lost child, nobody's child, unwanted child.... my thoughts are becoming more and more pessimistic.... but yet I can't stop it, I can't control it anymore.... My mind is like a warzone now.... Its a total mess and its dead.... I don't think of stuffs anymore, they just hit me when memory jolts and tears roll down uncontrollably and this pain suffocates me.... There's a bit of relief when there's physical pain somewhere else.... I bite myself and it relieves me for awhile.... its not healthy I know, but I'll do anything to relieve myself of that gnawing pain.... anything.... anything....
18/1/2005
I'm back at work again.... I was so upset, I had taken ill, had 3 days of MC and 2 off days in a row.... I'm trying to not take my pills, but the pain in my chest is excruciating.... for a few days in a row, I've been playing Memory by Cats on my piano at 3am in the morning.... luckily, Sebastian has been keeping me company, well, I can't say that he didn't do it for no reason, but the reason isn't me, well... I promised to keep quiet, so I shall not mention it.... I still feel faint, but its probably due to my bad appetite.... My brain seems affected, my thoughts are inconsistent and I'm taking very long to register things in my mind.... but there's suddenly a memory jolt, I was walking along Orchard yesterday and I remember the day Derrick gave Cherlyn comp plan at night, during the entire session, I couldn't take my eyes off Derrick, he was in this plain blue long sleeve shirt and black business pants.... after comp plan, Cherlyn, Robin, Nic and me went to DFS to shop, then Derrick and I were smsing each other and I was asking him wat's with the blue shirt, he replied saying that he wore it for me coz my favorite colour is blue.... then I told him that he looked good in blue.... I miss my smelly piggy.... I miss him terribly.... I miss the way he cuddles me and puts me to sleep.... I'm back to reading Judith McNaught again.... Reading Almost Heaven.... nice story.... I still think back on Pride and Prejudice.... I had wanted Elizabeth Bennet to be with Darcy, somehow, things screwed up and now Elizabeth Bennet is no longer the girl she was before, she pines and thinks of Darcy, everywhere she goes, everything she does reminds her of Darcy.... yapz... this is my version of Pride and Prejudice.... Sunday was beautiful, I woke up without feeling hysterical, I got up very early, I drank milk and ate a pao, played my piano and watched abit of TV, then I went to Tampines to wait for him.... I was so excited, my heart was racing, my mind was a total blank, felt like my blood vessels were gonna explode from the pressure.... as usual, he was late and I ended up waiting for abt 30 mins, somehow, even when he arrived, I still didn't feel like eating, I didn't have lunch.... I was reading Almost Heavens, while he ate.... I read til there's a part of the story that pinched my heart and I lost composure and closed the book and place it on the table and I had to look elsewhere.... I knew I was losing my stability again, but I didn't want to take my pill infront of Derrick, so I took one when we were on our way to church in the shuttle bus.... Honestly, I think Sunday's service was good, its not that I don't pay attention to the previous ones, I did, but I didn't agree with some of what the pastor said, but Sunday, he made more sense to me than other Sundays... go for lunch first..... continue later...
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