Something for you....

Hey Grace, here's something I wanna dedicate to you, its by Mariah Carey too from the album Music Box.... thanks for all the times you've been here for me, to stand by me, support me and love me, I thank God for giving you to me as my best friend. ;) Friends forever....

If you're lonely
And need a friend
And troubles seem like
They never end
Just remember to keep the faith
And love will be there to light the way

Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely

Love will make it alright

When the shadows are closing in
And your spirit diminishing
Just remember you're not alone
And love will be there
To guide you home

Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright

If you just believe in me
I will love you endlessly
Take my hand
Take me into your heart
I'll be there forever baby
I won't let go
I'll never let go

Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
It's alright
It's alright

Just a note, I'll always be here for you too, when you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, you can alwayz count on me... That I promise you, I'm really sorry I forgot your birthday coz I was so upset with Derrick, I'm really sorry, dinner at Mezza9 with you was excellent... I'm still waiting for transformers to be out, so don't worry I haven't forgotten your gift, and I love the Michelle's parking!! so sweet of you... ;)

Argh....

Dunno why... supposed to get back to work.... but no mood to work... damn sianz.... got alot of nonsense to handle today... shit man.... Sebastian is going to buy iPod... he's buying it not for himself, he buys it because 'someone' likes it.... of course I've given him my word that I wouldn't say who the 'someone' is lahz.... haiz.... things people do for love, but then again, I was there before, I'll be there again soon, I know, but not for the same unworthy person i.e: Derrick. I don't yearn for him anymore, I don't smile when I think of him, I don't even want to think of him, I laugh when I think of the time when his mum called me to check if I was alright and I told her I'll be ok, and she told me this: " I know my son is a bloody proud boy, his bloody attitude is bad." Well, she'd have made a great mother-in-law, she's been great to me, I really wanna thank her for all her kind words and for all the times she prepared meals for me.... I do miss the fish that she steams... very nice... *yum*yum* but hmmm... nvm....

Hmm... my colleague is having issues too.... hmmm... its sad lahz, I wouldn't wanna be in his shoes... not that I wasn't there before, but I just dun wanna be there again.... I told him, if u love her, fly there and tell her, but well, final decision is up to him, although he said there's not only 1 girl in this world wat, but well, if you really think that way, then why are u affected by this???

Well, love can hurt.... alot.... but it's wat you do in and abt the relationship that makes it wat it is.... now that I've gotten over Derrick, I suddenly remembered this song, its very very apt and I like it, its by Mariah Carey and its the 1st CD I bought, Music Box.... Everything Fades Away.....

Baby,
don't tell me you miss me,
you love me
Don't whisper gently that you can't forget me
Tonight
tonight
cause I've heard it all before
Just turn away
don't play that game
Baby I don't want to anymore

Let it all fade away
Don't you know that love is gone
It's too late
Everything fades away
Nothing ever stays the same

Baby
Don't tell me
you're sorry you hurt me
How many times can I give in
How many battles can you win
Oh don't beg for mercy
Tonight
tonight
cause I can't take any more
Just turn around
don't break me down
Baby I don't love you like before

Let it all fade away
Don't you know that love is gone
It's too late
Everything fades away
Nothing ever stays the same
Baby

Intermediate

Let it all fade away
Don't you know that love is gone
It's too late
Everything fades away
Nothing ever stays the same
Baby

Let it all fade away
Don't you know that love is gone
It's too late
Everything fades away
Nothing ever stays the same
Baby

It only fades, it only fades
Baby don't tell me you miss me you love me... (Repeat and fade)

28/1/2005

Haiz.... damn sianz.... have to work OT today... then gonna knock off at 12MN... but nvm... tomorrow off!!! yay.... going shopping with my mum at Tampines.... ;) haha, have been shopping alot lately... but its good... good retail therapy.... hmmm.... today's quite a boring day.... work is the same, haha, Nicholas Tay double banking again, then we were crapping coz he was next to me.... had toast for dinner just now.... didn't know wat to eat so just decided to eat bread.... hmmm... now waiting for my 15 mins break to come.... bored..... alot of cases to handle.... tired.... hmmm... later have to take cab home again.... not like yesterday, haha Nicholas picked me up, quite challenging to sit on a bike with a short skirt... I kinda like the blue one I wore yesterday, its like tennis skirt ;) actually I like all my new skirts ;) they are all short.... not like the long ones I used to wear... long and draggy.... now I can't wait to go Malaysia next week, can buy shoes!!! but my passport is going to expire.... valid for less than 6 mths!! die... have to go extend... sianz.... lazy... then dun extend, cannot go Malaysia, want to extend, so lazy... so troublesome.....

Hmmm... just came back from my 15 mins break... so tired... can't stop yawning... still got 2 hrs to go before knock off..... sianz.... no one to accompany me, alone doing OT.... sux man.... haha, but its ok lahz, on a/c that tomorrow is my rest day and next week going to Malaysia... ;) *daze* ok lahz, time to get back to work.... *yawnz*.... grrrr.....

27/1/2005

Today has been great, work has been good and yay!! We're going to Malaysia next week!!! Can go shopping again!!! hehe!! Can't wait to go!! but the funny part now is I can't find my passport.... dunno where did I put it the last time I went Redang with Michelle Ling and all.... Hmmm.....

Yay, I just realised I lost weight again!!! I bought 2 skirts last week, and when I bought them, it was fitting, but when I wore it today, it was loose!! haha.... hmmmm.... its a good sign.... hmmm... its 9pm already... going for my break soon... yay.... I'm in a very good mood today, dunno why also... ;) just very happy... haha maybe coz there's a cute guy sitting behind me today... haha! kidding lahz... but Nicholas Tay is really quite cute mahz.... okok nvm.... just look forward for my shopping spree trip next week!! hehehe!!!

Bored......

I'm bored.... still stuck at work.... its 30 mins to knock off time.... Grace called me just now to ask how I am, I told her not to worry coz I've recovered and fine, only thing that I haven't recovered from is my cold.... still coughing, but getting better.... It feels good to be normal again, somehow, the air seems fresher, everyone looks at me differently now... feeling confident and after shedding all that weight helps, not to mention my sudden increase in number of clothes too... ;)

hmmm.... everything is different now, even talking to Denise feels different now, oh yes maybe I should use what Derrick said to me, "I'm not angry or upset, I'm just disgusted...." yup, thinking back, I'm just disgusted at how Derrick can treat me like this and how Denise can just wash her hands off her hurt and upset friend. I'll always remember this "Michelle, I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I'm not sorry that I met up with Derrick" Yup, I'll always remember that and you know what? I'm just sorry that things can never be the same again coz I know the kind of friend you are. I'm not mean yet, If I was mean or if I were to be mean, I would say, you're not just a not good friend, you're not a good girlfriend and you know it, its fine by me if you want to screw up your own relationship but why screw mine up as well! Well, I can't blame her for telling the 'truth', I can only say that Derrick wasn't willing to put in the effort that he said he would.... If the night I was with Nicholas, would I be silly enough to tell of all people Denise when I can tell Angel or Grace and know that I would never risk having it told to Derrick? Hmmm.... logical people they both are, but they both don't think logically.... then again Derrick did say, "Perception is sometimes more true than the truth" Oh, so why bother having to know the truth, that's the reason why I didn't explain this entire truth to him, he'll probably say I'm justifying myself again. so *fling hands in the air* Whatever! I'm not the one who lost, he lost someone who would be silly enought to mellow down and love him wholeheartedly, whereas I lost someone who didn't respect me. I'm not angry with him, I can't be bothered anymore or should I say, "I used to not having you around me anymore" Those were his exact words to me.... Well, I'm not only used to not having him around me, I've realised how much happier I am without him and the amount of things I can do without him! Well, things are looking brighter now, I'm looking forward to CNY, I don't wanna let them get me down and ruin my CNY, I wanna be glowing with radience and not looking like a hag on CNY.... Cheers to all, Michelle is back! ;)

Truth... .. .. .. ..

This is the whole truth.... I've had an off day and I've woken up.... I'm no longer depressed, I've snapped out of all my nonsense.... Sleep has been excellent, appetite has been great, and now, the entire truth.... I need to get it off my chest, as sad as this situation is, and maybe you will understand my predicament and why I feel into depression and suicidal thoughts ran through my mind....

I didn't meet Derrick for that one night and I was at home, I saw his calls, but I didn't pick up... Why?? I wanted to test his trust in me.... I was home the entire night, I didn't reach home til after 3am coz I was at work.... but I told Denise the next day that I was with Nicholas the night before... yes... I did something stupid, I wanted to test the loyalty of my good friend to me and I wanted to test my boyfriend's trust in me.... I actually lied to Denise but told Derrick the truth.... hmmm... well.... the result has shown obviously that my good friend showed no loyalty to me and Derrick had zilch trust in me... sad story huh? I further went on to do stupid things like 'confessed' to Derrick that I WAS with Nicholas that night... Why???? Remember a few entries ago? I said I was looking for a love that would mean forgiving and loving even more??? Derrick failed the second test..... Coz he obviously didn't love me that way.... He failed me the third time, when I was so sad and I tried so hard to salvage whatever that was left of our relationship and he said all those hurtful things to me....

Hmmm.... it might sound silly, but these 3 weeks has been the louisest 3 weeks of my life, I have Denise and Derrick to thank for, but the both of them made me realise who my friends are and how much they love and care for me. They made me realise that my team is an excellent team, my TL is great, she's so supportive of me and comforts me and my team has been guiding me and helping me and accompanying me and most importantly Sebastian, thanks for all the late nights and company.... Grace, you have never been forgotten, you're one of the most important person in my life, without you, I dunno wat or where I would be now, I may be still or even more depressed and might not even step out of it, I'm glad and grateful to have you around all these while.... I haven't cried since 24/1/2005 when I was talking to my TL, I told her everything that happened.... I didn't cry anymore, I don't need Derrick....

I met up with Nicholas, he took me for a ride on his new bike, it was nice, he brought me to Changi Village, a place that I haven't been to for a long time.... It was nice, the wind in your face was great.... I felt so carefree and like I've dumped a whole lot of burden away, I'd be lying if I said I no longer love Derrick, but its minimal.... Its draining out fast, as fast as I was hurt and fell into depression.... I talked to Nicholas abt it, and he said this, it works like a spring, the faster and lower you go, the higher and faster you spring back.... its fair... and its true.... I took weeks, but overnight I just recovered...

Last night, I watched ABBA DVD... it was good... hmmm... back to work.....

Heartbroken

Just came back from lunch, no wat lunch... Didn't have lunch... couldn't eat.... Had tears and sorrows for lunch.... No, I'm not angry with Grace, she did whatever she did with best interests at heart.... I didn't know that she would call Derrick after reading my blog.... I didn't think that would happen.... I don't blame her at all.... We're not getting back together, I know.... but I can't accept, I can't walk away.... I sat at the playground last night and I looked at Blk 577 and when Derrick knelt down on the 12th September 2004, to ask me to give him 1 more chance... and I gave it to him..... But I never got that chance.... never.... never....
Nana was worried about me just now.... I told her not to worry, I'll be fine, soon.... very soon.... I scalded my hand in the pantry again just now.... somehow, it didn't hurt.... it just didn't.... My chest hurts and I feel like taking a knife to just stab right through it, actually, I ought to, I really ought to....

24/1/2005

A month ago today, 24/12/2004, Xmas eve... his birthday was a month ago.... a month ago, I had just woken up, and preparing to go to McDonald's for breakfast with him.... I was so happy, spending his 22nd birthday with him, going for breakfast together with him and Faith and at night we were going to attend Mid-night Mass together.... But 1 month later, things are drastically different.... No more smiles, no more Derrick by my side.... nothing.... nothing at all....

I went shopping again yesterday..... Went to Bugis with Sebastian.... ended up buying 2 more skirts.... spent another $56.... I'm just so dead.... I think I need to get shoes and tops.... I really need to go shopping.... I also need Derrick.... I was contemplating 3 skirts, but I didn't get the 3rd one coz Derrick said he didn't like dusty pink, he said it looks dirty.... so I only bought baby blue and white....

Grace smsed me in chinese last night, she said Qianling, kan kai yi dian, ming tian yi ding hui gen mei hao, wan an! but in chinese charaters, but she used the wrong charaters for my chinese name....but nvm.... I was sitting at the playground at my place from 12am til 3.30am.... Sat there with Sebastian, talked abt many stuffs.... The D's we call it...

I miss Derrick alot.... I put his picture back as my wallpaper, but I realised that it was quite pointless coz my phone hardly rings anymore....

Here's another song, by Celine Dion from Falling Into You Album, I Don't Know.
A mountain of stone,
a door of steel
Can't stand in my way,
I'd go on

Brutal machines,
unbending laws
Can't slow me down,
I'd go on

I've learned how to deal
and when to fight
I know what's real,
I know what's right
I'm not afraid,
a wounded dove
I can be tender
in a world so tough

I'm sure I could face
the bitter cold
But life without you,
I don't know

The winds of the heart
can blow me down
But I get right up
and I stand my ground
I've tasted fear,
my share of pain
The wasted tears
of love in vain

I've held you tight,
pushed you away
Now with all my might
I beg you to stay
I'm sure I could face
the bitter cold
But life without you,
I don't know

I know what I want,
I know what I need
But there's just one thing
I must believe
Deep in the night
by a dying flame
You will be there
when I call your name

I'm sure I could face
the bitter cold
But life without you,
I don't know

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

Very sad song.... sounds like me... sounds just like me....

Call Tones - XXXX XXXX

I'm just so not in the mood to work.... went to activate call tones on my handphone and purchased a few call tones.... I've got Xin Ru Dao Ge by Ekin Cheng and just bought If I ain't Got you by Alicia Keys.... The songs all have meanings.... When I'm feeling down and emotional, I like to relate to songs... so the songs that I like or I paste the lyrics here, all have a special meanings.... But does he understands and knows? No.... he doesn't even call me remember? I'm beginning to talk to myself.... After work today, I should be meeting Sebastian, but how often can he keep me company to try to take my mind off things... try.... coz he can't.... nothing can actually.... I dunno why today its hurting me exceptionally to the point I can key in 3 entries in a day.... Maybe its because I haven't taken my medication in 3 days.... I'm feeling emotionally unstable, blowing my nose and working at the same time.... That should be the most logical reason I can think of.... Its 4.45pm now.... Time is crawling by me.... and there's zilch I can do abt it.... Nothing's the same anymore, and there's no more meaning to it.... Yes you can say I'm despondent, I don't care.... I don't care.... There's only 1 thing that I care about now, but I can never have... "There's nothing left to say" and my broken record plays its sucky tune again.... People say Love is a Many Splendid Thing.... not to me... not one bit...

"Two roads diverged in the yellow woods, and I, I took the one less taken by and that makes all the difference...."

Sunday.. .. . .. .. ..

Its Sunday.... Just came back from lunch break.... knocking off at 1730hrs.... its 1pm now, Derrick should be on the shuttle bus to church.... Has he had his lunch? Did he have enough sleep last night? When he's in bed, does he turn to his left and miss seeing me there next to him? Does he use the 2 towels that I bought? How's Faith? Is she bigger now? As much as I said that Faith's the only thing that I can't let go, that was a BIG FAT lie.... Its him.... All this while, it has always been him.... All this time, Faith's only my excuse for me to see more of him.... Its been a week since I last saw him....
" I don't love you anymore",
"I'm not interested in you anymore",
" I'm not looking at you coz I don't even want to see you".
"Its over, no matter what you do, say, I'll never love you again. Just like how Germain was to Denise, Denise still said no."
All these Derrick said to me, it keeps re-running in my head like a broken record... Lucky for me, I took my pill before I spoke to him, if not I might not even be around to type all these down....

Talking about Germain, his death anniversary is coming.... He scared me, lying face down on the floor, blood streaming down to the drain at the foot of the block, wearing his secondary school singlet, slippers found between the 11 and 12 story.... nvm, I shall not go into that....

Its been a long time since I last said, " Dear dear, I want bao bao..." I used to say that with a smile and I used to smile.... used to....

As I'm working now, I'm having the after effects of banging my head on the floor... Its beginning to hurt... I've got a big bruise on my arm after hanging upside-down from the parallel bar, it hurts, but not as much as my heart....

I miss the way he smiles, the way he used to look at me, the way he hugs me and cuddles me to sleep, the way he looks when he's dead asleep, I'm glad I've got photos in my phone, those that I took of him while he was sleeping, so serene....

Its 2pm now.... Service is going to start.... Do you think he will msg me after fellowship to ask me if I wanted to go over to visit Faith and play with her? I doubt.... but I really wish he will....

I'm having severe cramps now.... I have to keep drinking tea.... I still have sleeping problems, can't sleep at night til I think of him.... I keep spending money too.... I bought the Troy DVD, for obvious reasons, maybe I'll get 'Win a Date with Tad Hamilton', Shrek 2, The Day after Tomorrow, Garfield etc etc... and yesterday I bought 4 new hair clips at one go.... spent $64 on the 4 of them 2 @ $20 each and 2 @ $12 each.... Oh, just found another bruise, at my hip, I guess I rest on my hip too much before flipping over the pole.... Quite scary, din manage to flip, but I remember how I used to do it easily back in my primary school days.... then again, I guess age does matter....

Thoughts of Derrick just flooded throught my head again.... tears welling up in my eyes again.... Sadness overwhelms me once again.....

23/1/2005

Yesterday was horrible.... After work, Sebastian and I headed down to East Coast.... I thought I was happy yesterday because the night before I had a sweet dream of Derrick.... but I was wrong.... so damned wrong.... I tried to be happy, tried very hard.... but no, by day my condition is getting from bad to worse, my temper is heating up, my heart is like racing against time and my thoughts are getting darker and darker.... Suddenly I realise that I ain't that afraid of physical pain, it is less painful than the pain that I'm experiencing now.... I can't go on anymore... Everyone thought that I would be strong enough, they're sick of hearing the word 'Derrick' coming out of me... yes... no one understands.... no one does.... I'm in a world of my own now.... Everyone just tells me to forget him.... how to? I hung upside down from the playground at Blk 73 Marine Drive... it was nice, I wish I could hang there forever.... but no its not possible.... I fell while trying to do a back arch at the playground, I banged the back of my head, I thought Great, now I can just faint and not wake up, but no... my eyes had to open, which relieved Sebastian coz he was shocked.... Does anyone realise that its really very painful for me now? Every night, the courage for me to take the knife and slit my wrist grows.... but something is holding me back, I think, wat if after I cut, then Derrick calls me? but every night, I get more realistic... I know Derrick won't.... The more realistic I get, the more the pain hits and the more suffocated I feel.... Each time my heart pounds I can feel the amt of hurt increasing....

Anyway, this song keeps playing in my head, its by Celine Dion, I Love You.

I must be crazy now
Maybe I dream too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch

To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine

I wish I could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should've made my move when you looked in my eyes
'Cause by now I know that you'd feel the way that I do
And I'd whisper these words as you'd lie here by my side

I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time

So today, I finally find the courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body can't move when I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before

Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart, it said

I love you, please say
You love me too,
these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time

Well maybe I,
I need a little love yeah
And maybe I,
I need a little care
And maybe I, maybe you,
maybe you, maybe you
Oh you need somebody just to hold you
If you do,
just reach out and I'll be there

I love you, please say
You love me too
Please say you love me too
Till the end of time
These three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together

Oh, I love you
Please say you love me too
Please please
Say you love me too
Till the end of time
My baby
Together, together, forever
Till the end of time
I love you
I will be your light
Shining bright
Shining through your eyes
My baby

Beautiful song isn't it? I used to like it alot when I was a secondary 2 kid.... I guess its all coming back to me now....