Feeling Reminiscent...

Juz finished watching the korean drama 'World Within' on Weds nite... Reminds me of alot of stuff... Stuffs that I once again have to get out of my system...



When Joon Young stared out the window and saw Yeon Hee following Ji Oh... She made assumptions, juz like how Nic did when some 'bao toe kia' said I was out with Derrick which btw, was not true (but it doesn't matter now)... That's wat happens when there's no trust between the couple...



When Ji Oh broke up with Joon Young because of Yang Soo Kyung... I knew how Derrick felt... He decided to end it off once and for all not because he didn't love me anymore... It was because I made him feel inferior... Esp when I went out with a low life like argh... Nevermind...



I dunno why, but maybe I've been a bitch... People around me like to sabotage me... The 'bao toe kia' told Nic that I met up with Derrick.. Truth was, I din arrange for any meeting, I was having my meal break and he was waiting for me coz I was trying to break off with him to be back with Nic... Wat an irony rite??



I went to Indo for Yvonne's wedding and Derrick and I were going thru the worst patch of our entire relationship.... Guess wat, SP decided to accompany me coz he din want me to be alone... Instead of letting me be the one to tell Derrick abt it, Denise (the worst human being on earth) decided to 'cut my queue' and told Derrick abt it... That made Derrick lose all trust in me...



Since we're on the topic of Denise... Ok, here goes... She was in the same class as me from Primary 1 thru Secondary 4... Naturally, I always took her as a very good fren esp after being stuck in the same class for so long...



Her first betrayal was in Sec 2, one day, she juz decided to ignore me completely and her reason was 'PMS'.. and that pms lasted for months... Prior to that, I helped her complete her chinese holiday assignment...



She was the one who encouraged me to break off with Nic to be with Derrick... Although, I made the decision myself, but when things go wrong, did she need to say 'She's the kind to break up with one to be with another.'


I was utterly disappointed... So much for friends...

Then came the incident about the Indonesian trip... As much as I was wrong... I feel she should have allowed me to tell Derrick about it myself. He should hear it from me first... A couple's problem should always remain between the couple... But it seems she like to butt in to create more problems...

Years later, I got close with an ex-colleague... Which happens to be a mutual fren of ours... He started to try to convince me to leave my then bf... He decided to seek her advice and they both called me out for coffee to convince me to leave my then loser bf... She did it once again... I think you should seriously consider Seb over SP... SP is such a loser material... But when I was out of the picture, she told Seb the same sentence.. U better be careful, she tends to leave one for another...

All in all, I've allowed myself to be stupid enough to get bitten again and again by that same fucking piece of shit...

So, I've been thru a number of relationships... Of which, I've screwed up at times too... I constantly remind myself of all these screw ups... So that I will not make the same mistake again...

From Nic, I knew how it felt to constantly give and how sometimes that is wrong... Coz I spoilt him rotten... And how it sucks to be taken for granted...

Gerald is the best.. he's the only ex that would still talk to me like a real fren.. Pick up my calls, drive me around, listen to my complains about irritating colleagues to sickening frens... ;)

Derrick, he taught me to be straightforward.. To be honest with integrity...

SP, was a good lesson... Never be with someone you dun love though he loves you to bits, IT NEVER WORKS OUT!!!

Seb, no, he didn't teach me anything... In fact, I've said countless times that I DO NOT wish to take it further than friends... Simply coz I dun like him enough... But sometimes, people dun listen... And there are people who are fucking stubborn and stay away from these kind of people...


As for Shaun... He's different... He's very different.... How do I put it...

With him, I have the courage to take risks.. I've gotten over my phobia of people's parents... I like having his mum around, drive her to her mother's place... Having dinner with his parents and grandmother...

My mum likes him alot too, always asking about him...

I like it how we don't stay over at each other's place... We always go back to our respective homes... Chat on the phone til the batt's out or we're completely knocked out ;)

I fell asleep without posting this... That's how tired I was...

I dunno y I juz felt like typing all this.. Prob coz if I dun get it out of my system, it'll keep bugging me...

Sometimes I think back and wonder how things would be had I not left Nic for Derrick, prob, I'll still be a picking up his debts, shits, etc etc... Had I not disappoint Derrick?? I may have converted to being a City Harvest follower and live a secular life... Seriously, it doesn't quite matter... I juz like to think.. but at the end of the day, I know, I'm happy now..

I think thinking about all these helps, it reminds me of the mistakes I've made so that I won't do it again... Shaun and I have gone through so much to finally be together, I really dun wanna waste it... Pleasing his parents and convincing mine really wasn't easy... Knowing that there's still a long road ahead doesn't help much either... But this time, I won't allow anyone to try to butt their kay-poh ass in and ruin this happiness of mine.. ;)

Annoying...

I have a bunch of annoying people that I have to work with... They enjoy playing politics even though they are a bunch of low ranking staff...

I cannot understand this theory.... I thought it only makes sense for people who are in upper management with higher salary to enjoy 'politicking'..

Making they are juz too free...

Anyways, I finally succeeded!!! I bought a whole set of bathing essentials from L'Occitane for Shaun's mum's upcoming birthday.. And she loves it!! She said thank you too...

Everything is definitely on the right track with the exception of career I guess...

I feel so stuffed up, stuck 15 floors up, in a badly ventilated air - conditioned office for more than 8 hours a day... So bad for my skin and I have to squeeze with all the retards in the morning..

I'm very sure the campaign said to move into the centre of the cabin and not squeeze their way into any empty space available... I would nominate these people for the category of most disgusting behavior of Singaporeans..

I hate the morning rush crowd, I hate the 'politickers' in the office... With such an environment, how am I supposed to enjoy my work??

So disgusted...

Everyday, I drag myself to work, waiting and hoping that the day would pass quickly and peacefully... No back-stabbing comments or back-stabbing emails flying around... Wishing that Friday would juz arrive at the blink of an eye.. On the bright side, its already Tuesday... Friday is 2.5 days away and this Saturday, Shaun's mum is having a BBQ!! So excited!!

Hopefully, my newly acquired sore-throat would bugger off soon... So painful, so hard to eat, so irritating...

Ok, time to act busy, or else knives are gonna start flying again....

Quarter Life Crisis

Its been awhile since I last blogged...

I'm kinda happy with my job with DBS, with the exception of that annoying rabbit in the office...

I dun think this is a job I want for the rest of my life, yet til now, I still can't find what I really really want...

Haiz...

To be optimistic, at least in such economy, I still hold a job...

Its Friday... I swear I'm like hopping from topic to topic. My mind is a complete blank and I'm just typing whatever that comes to mind.

ARGH!!! Stupid software... Error again...

30mins to knocking off!!!

A new beginning

Its amazing how one person that you truly love can make a complete paradigm shift in my outlook on life.

Eversince Shaun came into my life, he made a difference. He made me happy, he made me forget my sad past. He showed me that love is not a painful thing. Its like as though he breathed life into me again.

I'm so excited that I'm at a total loss for words...

I feel like I've found that person whom I can connect with. He knows exactly how to compromise with me. He doesn't give in to me all the time. He knows when to be stern, when to be loving and when to be gentle...

I'm so happy, I'm on top of the world!

However happy, things ain't gonna be rosy. He's just started his studies, going to NS after his studies... I pray that things wouldn't change... I pray that my heart wouldn't be broken again... He matters a great deal to me and I'd give anything to have him by my side...

He's taught me to be open about my feelings. And I'm learning to be more affectionate (considering that I've been affectionless for the past 2 years).

He's the best thing that ever happened to me..

Other than my own new beginning, Jo is 9 weeks pregnant!! She's finally happy, its been something that she's been hoping for since forever!! Wedding preparations have been hectic and Shaun being the sweetest guy on earth, has been there with me to help Jo.. He makes me drink water as I wipe his perspiration off his forehead... So the bridesmaid gets pampered at the same time... ;)

Thoughts are flooding thru my head at this point in time...

Sweet thoughts of Shaun actually.... ;)

This marks an embarkation of a new journey for me and I'm loving every moment of it...

After Many Years

Lately, I've been very affected by things happening around me. But this time, it took me by surprise....

All this while, I've always thought I'd been loving that one person. But no, maybe not anymore. It all started with reading through my letters. ALL my letters, from friends back when I was 13? It's interesting to look back and laugh and cry at all those letters and what your friends once said about you.

I started to think about who I was and who I am now as a person. I've changed completely. And to my surprise, I've changed to become someone as I once termed, horrible. Maybe I think too much, but then again, I haven't sat down to think so deep for a long time. I was probably trying to escape reality. I mean, being with someone you don't love is evident that I am trying to escape from reality.

I've been looking at myself from a third party point of view and noticed that I've become another Derrick. Maybe not entirely, but certain traits are very strong. Probably coz I've learnt from my mistakes. And this entirely links back to why I said I thought I've always been loving that one person...

All this while, I thought that I was in love with Nicholas. I was cruel enough to put the blame on Derrick, that he caused Nic and I to break up in April. That's probably the reason why the relationship didn't work out. I resented Derrick, criticised everything he did. Never found anything enough. I said he didn't have friends, but then again, it never ocurred to me that maybe all he needed was me. Me being stupid obviously didn't see things that way. Lots of thoughts are rushing through my head as I'm typing this so I might digress at times.. Typing this out here seriously requires alot of courage. Anyways, back to things..

Nicholas, was definitely my first love, I'd definitely have a soft spot for him, but overtime, I've learnt not only to let go, but also to reject. Derrick's different. He, is the only man so far, whom I treat with respect, loved and is willing to put my pride down for. He was all that mattered. I guess the turning point was when the resentment began eating me up and I felt that Derrick wasn't giving me enough in return for what I did for him.

I thought back on the days when I was with Nicholas, and as much as I loved him then, I didn't feel completely comfortable. Nicholas never knew the entire me. With Derrick, things were different. He saw me, for me. We lived together, partied together, travelled together. I was completely comfortable being around him. He was comfortable around me. Now, when the song Where is the Love is being played, I laugh. I think of him trying to rap. And the mosquito dance that he created while trying to chase those annoying things away.

Things should have been rosy, but me being me. Together with the resentment, I compared. I constantly compared Derrick to Nicholas. I constantly felt that both of them were extremes and it would have been perfect I added them up and divided by 2. Hah. I guess that was when I was completely bimbotic.

And all these added up isn't as dumb ass as the final move I made, that completely killed whatever that could have been salvaged. I decided that being with someone who loves me is better than being with someone I love. I broke Derrick's heart completely, killed his trust in me.

I knew there and then, there was no turning back. I left. With regrets. I began shutting myself in. I evolved into a different person unknowingly. Faith's death didn't help. I began talking to myself, not out loud. In my head. I would have conversations with myself in my head. I didn't become suicidal, but I don't believe in living for long. I didn't have much emotions coz I generally didn't care much about everything. I couldn't cry, no matter how upset I might be. I was tempermental. Nothing seemed right.

These 2 years, I've never dreamt much of Nicholas. On contrary, I often dreamt of Derrick. He'd appear in my dreams, though I dun remember all the incidents. Maybe I miss him. I don't know coz I've been kinda emotionless for the past 2 years. Everytime I go to my nephew's place, I'd wonder what he's doing. Most of the time, he's watching TV at home. I guess some things never change ;)

Sebastian's re-appearance in my life reminded me of alot of things which I blocked off. He's re-appearance caused much drama. We tried being together, irregardless of how reluctant I was. And as usual, it kinda failed. I realised, from that moment. I can no longer love another person like I did before.

Some people might ask, what if there's another chance with Derrick or Nicholas? I know one thing's for sure. There wouldn't be. Nicholas was my first love, will always be my first love and just my first love. Derrick being Derrick, wouldn't allow someone who killed his trust back into his life again.

Last friday, this question was posed to me, what values and qualities are important. My answer to that, honesty and integrity. They work hand in hand. These two qualities might never be so important to me if it weren't for Derrick. He taught me quite abit of things. He made me change for the better. Which I appreciate..

If I ever have the chance, I will want to tell him.

I'm Sorry.

Sincerely,
Fei Mao.

Crazy

I've got crazy pple leaving retarded comments that are completely unnecessary. I probably know who it is. This place is just for me to vent my thoughts and some whores read them like a fan.

FYI, I completely ignore such comments from worthless people, its just not worth it. I think I deserve it though, having to be confused and irritated and upset by the fact that some people out there loves me.

Definitely better than being dumped and being ugly and not to mention stupid. Hmmm, maybe I'll receive another call requesting for things to be removed from my blog, but then again, I don't think it will happen again, coz things are very much different now.

At this point in time, I can only feel sorry for such crazy bitches cause they have to hide behind their IP address to bitch about others. Feel free to comment, it only shows me how much worse off they are. As it is, my blog is bloody boring and yet, they still read it and best of all, leave non constructive comments. Hmmm, phone call from 'him'... Makes my day already!! gtg...

Bleeding Love

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

Hurt...

Men. They lie. They hurt.They abuse. They take things for granted. And at the end of the day, I bear the brunt of it all.

My opinions, thoughts and feelings always falls on deaf ears. My suggestions either get compromised or thrown out the window without second consideration. In the end, they always say to me,"I should have listened to you." But honestly, what is the point of saying all that??? The damage has already been done and what's done cannot be undone! These people don't know what they're doing, and they refuse to admit it openly! Why?!?!?! And irony of it all??? They tell you the same thing," I Love You."

Bullshit.

Eversince Derrick, I've sealed myself shut and I never cried again, at least not for another undeserving guy. Not until recently, when these people entered my life and reminded me how horrible it was to be made upset and taught me how to cry again....

Its a fine line between love and hate and now, I'm trying very hard to keep my balance on that very fine line.... They bring my emotions on a roller coaster ride, so bad that I feel like I'm going to collapse. Actually, sometimes I wish I could just collapse and drop dead. I didn't sleep at all last night, got home at 7am and thought I could catch a nap til 9am, but no, I was wrong....

That call, that one god damn call, made me sleepless, it made me realise that everything, EVERYTHING was all for NOTHING. Either nothing should have been done right from the beginning or should hold out right to the end if something had already begun... But it seems that some people like to have things done halfway... What can I say?? My stand had never mattered right from the beginning, if it had, then things wouldn't be where they are now... Its 6+ already, no picture, no sound....

I hate this feeling... you once made me the happiest person on earth, but u have also brought me to the lowest possible. This is worse than heart wrenching. You were someone I trusted, someone I finally could open my heart to, but u were just like the rest... I carry the pink bath silvers everywhere I go, but I don't see why I should do so anymore... All those words on the cards, bullshit. I waited in the shop today, hoping to get a surprise, but I never got it...

You only started smsing me awhile ago.... Your excuse was money.... Since you think of me as someone who only stick with guys who are rich, then maybe, you are very right. We shouldn't be together because you just hurled insult at me...