Sleepless Thoughts

I suddenly have songs flooding my head. I'm quite sure it wasn't coz of the ktv session juz now. I've been having dreams again.

It began eversince the 16th, actually, I think it was earlier.... Anyways, I thought my heart was dead, you know? As in xin si le kinda thing, but it doesn't seem the case.... Because of my dreams, I've been thinking about what went wrong and I've come to realise that the relationship was doomed right from the beginning. He was insecure, and I was insensitive. I wanted everything and he wasn't as ready as he thought. I wanted to marry him, he on the other hand wanted me to convert my religion. He prob thought that we wouldn't go very far, but through all those times, I was waiting for a ring.... He began neglecting me, and I started to not bother myself about him. 2 years later, things came to an end. I betrayed his trust and he doesn't want me in his life ever again. I regretted and tried to make amends, but nothing can be done because he can no longer trust me.

Tonight, I can't sleep, I lie awake on my bed, wondering if he has missed me even once in these past few months, the meals I used to cook and the times we snuggled up in bed to watch TV. To be completely honest, I did.... I am still attached to someone. And I have come to realise that sometimes, wat you need ain't wat you want. Everynite, the same scene replays in my dreams. Him in his black striped business shirt and business pants and myself in my black tube dress. We hugged, and I said," I don't wanna let go." And he replied," then don't." The smell of green tea and CK still lingers vividly in the dream....

He has probably moved on by now, I'm just slow and reminiscent I guess.... My current boyfriend cares alot for me, but maybe my heart is juz tired. I really don't know y my dreams are like that and I don't know how to stop it. I'm juz hoping that by letting it out, it would help things. And also hope that by keeping myself busy with work and school will help to take my mind off things. Deep inside, I'm praying that God would one day show me the many answers that I've been searching, or that he would give me some form of enlightenment.

I don't ever want to make the same mistake again. I made the mistake when I was with Nicholas, and I repeated my mistakes when I was with Derrick. And now, all I can say is, Sorry. They probably wouldn't know wat I'm going through, actually, maybe, nobody knows. Now, all I can say is that I hope that they can find their true happiness, since they couldn't and wouldn't want to with me. So cliche, but its true. I want that for them, simply because I don't want the 2 men that I love most to be unhappy, although I did cause them alot of pain.... On top of that, I say mean things, but who really knows that it hurts me juz as much to say those things? I would suppose that only those who knows me really well would. And they would know why I do that as well....

Oh well, enough said... I should get to bed early, opening shop tmrw....