Well.... back from lunch... great... I took a very long break coz I as talking to Aldrich after lunch.... oops... then my flu got from bad to worse... now, I'm having a fever and yes, I refuse to see anymore doctors.... no more doctors for me.... physically, mentally and emotionally, I'm drained and sick.... the urge of crying is coming and I can feel it, Aldrich advises me to not rely on my pills too much.... I think I'll soon need sleeping pills as well.... What's wrong with me?? I can't eat nor sleep nor work nor think nor control my emotions anymore.... Aldrich told me that he was shocked when he saw me run that night, that I was running faster than Kathy.... scared him quite a bit.... I didn't know, at least not til today.... anyway, back to Sunday.... after church, we went to the pet shop at Jurong Point Shopping Ctr, somehow, my heart was crushed, I felt the pain and adrenaline rush right through my entire bloodstream... I thought by taking my second doze of pill during fellowship after service would beable to calm my nerves, but somehow, it didn't work at its optimum.... After getting the flea and Tick spray, we headed back by train.... I didn't feel hungry still, probably the ice milo was sufficient, but Derrick insisted that I had something, so he bought me a small packet of milk.... It was an excellent day, even though he didn't send me home, at least he called me when I was on the way home to ask me where I was.... I was happy, or should I say over the moon or estatic or glad.... I smiled... its been a long time since I remember smiling genuinely.... That day.... was supposed to have been our 7th month together, but we are no longer together.... Everyday I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker, dizzy spells are on the rise and coming back to work isn't helping.... My colleague Lisette just messaged to say that her hospitalisation leave has been extended! but its for a good reason! She's pregnant!! with twins!!! so envious.... so envious.... well.... that's life.... now my picture of life is bleak... its dark and I'm just walking and taking each step at a time, most of the time hesitant steps.... Life and death is just another one of the cycle that God created.... I just took my pill.... shouldn't be depressed soon.... its now 5.35pm.... and I'm abt to knock off at 8pm... but I dunno wat to do... I've nothing to do, no where to go.... I don't want to go home.... I dunno.... I feel like a lost child, nobody's child, unwanted child.... my thoughts are becoming more and more pessimistic.... but yet I can't stop it, I can't control it anymore.... My mind is like a warzone now.... Its a total mess and its dead.... I don't think of stuffs anymore, they just hit me when memory jolts and tears roll down uncontrollably and this pain suffocates me.... There's a bit of relief when there's physical pain somewhere else.... I bite myself and it relieves me for awhile.... its not healthy I know, but I'll do anything to relieve myself of that gnawing pain.... anything.... anything....
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