18/1/2005

I'm back at work again.... I was so upset, I had taken ill, had 3 days of MC and 2 off days in a row.... I'm trying to not take my pills, but the pain in my chest is excruciating.... for a few days in a row, I've been playing Memory by Cats on my piano at 3am in the morning.... luckily, Sebastian has been keeping me company, well, I can't say that he didn't do it for no reason, but the reason isn't me, well... I promised to keep quiet, so I shall not mention it.... I still feel faint, but its probably due to my bad appetite.... My brain seems affected, my thoughts are inconsistent and I'm taking very long to register things in my mind.... but there's suddenly a memory jolt, I was walking along Orchard yesterday and I remember the day Derrick gave Cherlyn comp plan at night, during the entire session, I couldn't take my eyes off Derrick, he was in this plain blue long sleeve shirt and black business pants.... after comp plan, Cherlyn, Robin, Nic and me went to DFS to shop, then Derrick and I were smsing each other and I was asking him wat's with the blue shirt, he replied saying that he wore it for me coz my favorite colour is blue.... then I told him that he looked good in blue.... I miss my smelly piggy.... I miss him terribly.... I miss the way he cuddles me and puts me to sleep.... I'm back to reading Judith McNaught again.... Reading Almost Heaven.... nice story.... I still think back on Pride and Prejudice.... I had wanted Elizabeth Bennet to be with Darcy, somehow, things screwed up and now Elizabeth Bennet is no longer the girl she was before, she pines and thinks of Darcy, everywhere she goes, everything she does reminds her of Darcy.... yapz... this is my version of Pride and Prejudice.... Sunday was beautiful, I woke up without feeling hysterical, I got up very early, I drank milk and ate a pao, played my piano and watched abit of TV, then I went to Tampines to wait for him.... I was so excited, my heart was racing, my mind was a total blank, felt like my blood vessels were gonna explode from the pressure.... as usual, he was late and I ended up waiting for abt 30 mins, somehow, even when he arrived, I still didn't feel like eating, I didn't have lunch.... I was reading Almost Heavens, while he ate.... I read til there's a part of the story that pinched my heart and I lost composure and closed the book and place it on the table and I had to look elsewhere.... I knew I was losing my stability again, but I didn't want to take my pill infront of Derrick, so I took one when we were on our way to church in the shuttle bus.... Honestly, I think Sunday's service was good, its not that I don't pay attention to the previous ones, I did, but I didn't agree with some of what the pastor said, but Sunday, he made more sense to me than other Sundays... go for lunch first..... continue later...