23/1/2005

Yesterday was horrible.... After work, Sebastian and I headed down to East Coast.... I thought I was happy yesterday because the night before I had a sweet dream of Derrick.... but I was wrong.... so damned wrong.... I tried to be happy, tried very hard.... but no, by day my condition is getting from bad to worse, my temper is heating up, my heart is like racing against time and my thoughts are getting darker and darker.... Suddenly I realise that I ain't that afraid of physical pain, it is less painful than the pain that I'm experiencing now.... I can't go on anymore... Everyone thought that I would be strong enough, they're sick of hearing the word 'Derrick' coming out of me... yes... no one understands.... no one does.... I'm in a world of my own now.... Everyone just tells me to forget him.... how to? I hung upside down from the playground at Blk 73 Marine Drive... it was nice, I wish I could hang there forever.... but no its not possible.... I fell while trying to do a back arch at the playground, I banged the back of my head, I thought Great, now I can just faint and not wake up, but no... my eyes had to open, which relieved Sebastian coz he was shocked.... Does anyone realise that its really very painful for me now? Every night, the courage for me to take the knife and slit my wrist grows.... but something is holding me back, I think, wat if after I cut, then Derrick calls me? but every night, I get more realistic... I know Derrick won't.... The more realistic I get, the more the pain hits and the more suffocated I feel.... Each time my heart pounds I can feel the amt of hurt increasing....

Anyway, this song keeps playing in my head, its by Celine Dion, I Love You.

I must be crazy now
Maybe I dream too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch

To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine

I wish I could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should've made my move when you looked in my eyes
'Cause by now I know that you'd feel the way that I do
And I'd whisper these words as you'd lie here by my side

I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time

So today, I finally find the courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body can't move when I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before

Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart, it said

I love you, please say
You love me too,
these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time

Well maybe I,
I need a little love yeah
And maybe I,
I need a little care
And maybe I, maybe you,
maybe you, maybe you
Oh you need somebody just to hold you
If you do,
just reach out and I'll be there

I love you, please say
You love me too
Please say you love me too
Till the end of time
These three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together

Oh, I love you
Please say you love me too
Please please
Say you love me too
Till the end of time
My baby
Together, together, forever
Till the end of time
I love you
I will be your light
Shining bright
Shining through your eyes
My baby

Beautiful song isn't it? I used to like it alot when I was a secondary 2 kid.... I guess its all coming back to me now....